I have been so caught up in life lately I have forgotten to take time to do the little things I truly love to do like sit down and write. Pour my heart and soul out onto paper and express my inner feelings the best way I know how, with words. Thank god I have an angel on earth with me that helps me to focus my energy and reminds me of who I am and what I love with the gentlest of nudges (or really long Facebook messages :)) so here I am, feeling raw, stripped bare, grateful, happy and emotional all at the same time... (wack combo I know but its true).
My divine little heaven sent earth angel wrote me THE most meaningful message after having a somewhat confused and teary conversation in Cottesloe yesterday. She reminded me that I don't have to hide behind any masks any more, that I don't need to believe the lies I speak to myself, that I am beyond worthy. divine. Strong. Amazing. Incredible. Sexy. KIND. Generous. Gifted. Humble. Funny. EXTRAORDINARY and to never ever stop connecting back to the spirit inside of me.
To be honest.... I have never needed and I mean PHYSICALLY NEEDED to read those words from someone I know, love and trust more than today. I read this at least 100 times before I could actually find any words to write back and when I did find the words to write back, I also found that belief inside me that what she had said was true. That no amount of insecurities, issues, arguments with my lover, tears and hateful self-talk that had crept back into my head, would change that I am all of those things to myself and to my friends and loved ones who surround me.
Tonight I have decided that before I can be any one else's hero, I need to become my OWN hero.
And that now more than ever THIS is MY time to shine bright.
That the only person who is standing in between me and my goals is ME.
And most of all that NO MATTER WHAT, I AM GOING TO BE OKAY.
So I want to leave you with one of my favourite pieces of writing - Thank you for sending it to me Earth Angel (It was in that facebook message too!) A deeply personal letter between my 90 year old self and my 16 year old self.
Dear 16 year old Leanne
Don't allow what others think of you to bother you. Don't keep trying to fit in because you aren't meant to. You give so much and at the moment you are giving it all to the wrong kinds of people who don't appreciate you or what you do for them. That bunch of "friends"? They won't be around for long so don't keep giving the best of you to people who are fake and two faced. Don't worry about the judgemental comments or names you might get called to your face or behind your back, in the end the ones saying those things are just jealous of the confidence and bubbly personality and generous, kind heart you have. Stay away from drugs... They might be fun at the time but I promise you they won't be worth it in the long run. And as for all the boys your chasing and pouring unrequited love into.... They aren't the ones for you. You do find love deeper than you could even imagine with a man who gives his whole heart and life to you as you are and helps mould you into a better person. You are an incredible mother to the most amazing children and you are beautiful. The kind of beauty that is so much more than skin deep. I know you have experienced deep hurt and your kindness has been taken for a weakness but keep living and giving because eventually you are going to stumble across a group of friends who respect you and are thankful that you are willing to go above and beyond and will not use you. Also don't worry that you have 1 million dreams and careers up your sleeve, eventually you will be able to pursue the things you want not the things you think you have to. The life you have in front of you is full of love, joy and success and the legacy you will leave at 90 is beyond words. The role model you were for your kids and grand kids is still talked about, and the lifestyle changes you will make in your mid 20's are the reason that at 90, you have a family of 4 generations around you. Be happy, be free, be yourself because who you are is unique and perfect.
Love 90 year old Leanne